Yes? Can I Help You?

I got this email an hour ago –

It’s spelt “particular,” not “particulor.”
Debra

That was essentially it. I was thoroughly confused – I normally don’t make such blatant mistakes in spelling. I thought back to lunch, when I was talking to coworkers while drinking a Coca-Cola soda. Did I say particular and it came out sounding like it was mispelled? Maybe she overheard me there or something.

I don’t know this Debra person, but she did not include a previous email or letter or example (or whatever) as a point of reference.  What she did leave, however, was her email address. As any one reading knows by now, that is a big mistake. I capitalize on email debauchery like Tea Party politicians capitalize on the poor to booster their personal wealth. It’s part of my Derpublican pledge drive.

Cracking my fingers, I begin typing my reply to her email:

Debra –
I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware I was a redneck, so perhaps my spelling sensibilities went on vacation this morning. They are back, now, and I would like to know how I can make up for such a foul offense. Please let me know where I mispelled that particular word (hahaha get it?) and I will fix it.
Thank you very much for pointing out my error,
Nate

I thought to myself, “Maybe this person will realize she sent the email to the wrong fellow and be embarassed enough to avoid responding.” Water under the bridge, of course. No harm done – you made the obvious mistake of correcting the wrong guy. It happens.

But the next thing I know, I have another email from her:

Nate –
I don’t appreciate you snooping on my emails to other people. That was clearly not meant for you, and you clearly intercepted it.
Debra

Hmmmm. Automatically, she comes off as guilty of something. Ah! Office conspiracies! I do love a good conspiracy. I’m now incredibly intrigued – what was a case of simple mistaken email identity has evolved into CSI: Office Space. WWGGD (What Would Gil Grissom Do)?

Debra –
I’m sorry. I realize that I may have opened the wrong file on the server to reach my email box. This particular email grabbed my attention. I see your “friend” here mispelled “particular.” I am now very curious – did it the Great Spelling Fiasco of 2012 ever get resolved? And what about these interesting pictures? Hmmmm …
Nate

Of course, I’m entirely bluffing. She doesn’t know that, though.

Nate –
That’s none of your business.
If you are looking at the pictures I think you are, I will do whatever you want to not tell anyone about them, please.
I prefer to stay employed.
Debra

Oh ho ho! Someone’s storing naughty pictures on a work computer! I could go look for them, but I think this is waaaay more entertaining.

Debra –
Okay, that sounds fair. I mean, I kind of want to forget the pictures, given what’s in them. How about you leave a bag of M&Ms behind the trash can near the smoking area? You know the one – the green recycling one. I will immediately delete the copies from my drive.
Nate

I’m guessing I’m going to slip up here and give away that I haven’t seen any pictures or her emails ro anything. That she’ll know I’m full of shit. I wait for 10 minutes, thinking the whole thing is over, because 10 minutes is too long for a joke. But sure enough, right when I’m working on something else –

Nate –
I left the bag of M&Ms where you asked. Please delete the pictures from your computer and we’ll act like this never happened. I appreciate your cooperation and understanding. I don’t want to lose my job.
Debra

Okay, so let’s go downstairs and see if the M&Ms are where she said she left them.

Alright, a snack! Wonder what else I can wrangle up?

Debra –
Found them. Thank you, but these aren’t the kind with peanuts. If you can’t produce those, how about a Pepsi? Your photos languish on my hard drive.
Nate

By now, she should have looked me up on the system with my email and sought me out. Or called my boss. Or something. I assume since she’s working here that she’d be intelli – wait, nevermind. I’m hoping she doesn’t leave me a drink, this is too embarassing.

Nate –
Done. Please please please don’t show them to anyone and delete them now.
Debra

Hahaha, no way. This is a trap. I slink downstairs and check out the smoking area. No cameras I can see. No one watching the place – it’s a ghost town down there. So I carefully peer behind the trash can.

I feel bad. This is literally blackmail. Poor Debra. Guess I’ll come clean. After I eat my M&Ms, drink the Pepsi and belch loudly for a few minutes. Urrp! There.

Debra –
I feel really bad about all this. I never had any pictures – you sent that email to (my address) which may have been one letter off of who you meant to send it to. Since you were so nice, I put $2 behind the trash can. I didn’t have any change, and you were nice to spare yours, so let us call it even. Or better yet, promise me to check all your email addresses before you send out emails. Alright?
Nate

20 minutes later …

Nate –
Thank you for repaying me. Hope you enjoyed your snack. Gotcha – check the sendees on all my email prior to pressing send. That was super-embarassing. And no more non-work pictures on my PC, either.
Debra

All’s well that ends well. Urrrrp.

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The System is Down, and We Have Part Two

As I mentioned in the last post, Greg the Awesome Programmer disregarded an important email and worked while they upgraded the network. They had to reboot the server, which broke the virtual sessions. No one could save anything. Nancy pointed it out, Greg tried to obfuscate that he was one of those bozos who didn’t pay attention and likes to argue.

So now he’s going to play “I didn’t get your email” route. He even CC’s his Vice-Pres.

Peter and Nate –
Merely sending out an email without verifying with every team on the floor that you’re taking them down is not acceptable. I lost valuable project time because of your ill-timed upgrade and I never got said email, and I’m going to ask my boss to talk to your bosses. Someone needs a reprimand.
Greg

Hey, don’t get all shitty with me because you failed to read your email. I look at the list of people the mail was sent to. His name is RIGHT. THERE. What an asshole.

Greg –
I’m looking at the addresses of people who the message was sent to, and you’re on it. Unless you’re screening your emails or deleting random stuff, it should be right there in your inbox.
Or maybe you’re visually impared. If that is so, then I apologize ahead of time.
Nate

I know I’m going to get a response for that one!

Nate –
Are you calling me blind? Fuck you.
Greg

He CC’ed his boss on that one, too. I chuckle to myself while I go do something else. Oh. Wait. There’s a response from Peter!

Greg –
I sent out the email with a delivery and read receipt. I attached the email that shows that:
1. You received the email.
2. You opened and read the email.
If you’d like, I’ll even send along the server log where you were surfing YouTube for two hours this morning, before you started working in the emulator at 8:45 am. So I seriously doubt you lost 2 hours of programming time there.
Peter

Uh-roh!

Greg –
Please watch your langauge. I’d also like to see you in my office when you get the chance to discuss the proper use of company time. Thanks.
Marvin (Greg’s VP)

So what was my response:

Peter –
I bet you’re pretty much like this right now.

Kudos. Glad I could help.
Nate

Nate –
LOL. Nice way to go about asking looking for a handout on thank yous.

But thanks.
Peter

The pleasure was all mine, Peter – thank YOU.

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The System is Down! And the Cheat is GROUNDED!

Been waiting a month since we got this notice, but we all got it, so we should be good. Right? In fact, here’s a reminder that was sent out at 8 am.

****Business Services 200,
The planned service will be down from 9 am to 10 am as we update the network speed. Please save any work you have and do not start any new work until after the upgrade. What we ask is that everyone logs out and logs back in, as there will be an interruption if you are working when we do the upgrade and you don’t re-log. Thank you.

Of course, an hour later, at 9:08 am, this mass email starts –

Did anyone else lose connection with the server today? I was in the middle of a client update when I lost my ability to save. I haven’t logged out, because I don’t want to lose the half-hour of work I was doing.
Nancy

Oookaaay, someone isn’t reading the company emails. Not my problem. Shouldn’t be anyone’s problem but Nancy’s. EXCEPT here comes Greg, the Wonder Team Lead. Who also doesn’t read his email. Unless it was sent by Nancy, obviously.

Nancy,
I’m not sure what happened, but you need to contact the service desk and have them re-establish your session. You should be able to get around this without losing your work.
Greg

Whoa, hang on there. Don’t give out bad info, Greg! This will only make the heart ache worse! Of course, it does get worse.

Nancy –
We sent out an email earlier, alerting the section to the outtage. Unfortunately, if you failed to save before 9 am, you will have to log out and start over. You will be unable to save until after 10 am. Please don’t start any new projects until after the upgrade is complete. I will send out a group email letting you know when that is.
Peter

Sorry Nancy! That doesn’t deter Greg, though, who has now completely verified he should not qualified to be talking about this stuff.

Peter –
You guys should be able to re-establish her session without her needing to log out and reboot.
Greg

Uh, no. Doesn’t work like that. I don’t even work in that Network group and I know it doesn’t work like that. Time for intervention.

Greg –
Sure, let Peter just send Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog over the wire there to reconnect the network pipeline …
It doesn’t work like that. The only way to get back on the network is to log out of your old virtual session (which is now completely GONE on the server) and get a new one.  If she didn’t save her work, and she’s on a Wyse device, she’ll have to start over.
Nate

Greg –
Nate’s correct, since her old virtual session no longer exists on the server, even if she still has her session running on her box, there’s nothing we can do. She has to log out and log in to get re-established. We explicitly hit everyone up with a group email telling everyone what not to do during the upgrade.
Peter

Thanks to Greg, Nancy’s now a mess. She’s upset and she’s CCing other people into the conversation. It’s about to get fun!

Peter –
I’m sorry I didn’t see the earlier email. Is there nothing you can do? I will lose client data if I cannot save this file.
Nancy

This is unacceptable. There should have been some sort of back-up process that allowed us to work even when the upgrades were happening. Virtual sessions should be immune from changes to the service. How are we supposed to get our work done?
Greg

I can’t stay away. I know I should, but I cannot.

Greg –
You could get your work done by actually paying attention to your email. This email was flagged, so it should be in huge red letters in Outlook. We also got an email about this a month ago, with tenative dates. You guys should have saved, waited 10 minutes, log out then back in, and then you could have done more work and save after 10 am.
Since you guys are on Wyse boxes, you are all connected via virtual sessions to one server. When those connections are terminated, and the server is REBOOTED to accept changes, the virtual sessions on the server are GONE. Nothing remains. Unlike if you accidentally lost connection for a minute, in which the server would maintain the session on the server for up to 20 minutes for you to log back in and get reconnected. That happens quite a bit, I’m told.
This isn’t magic. They can’t just summon virtual demons from Network Space and get impossible results. If we were living in an age of the popular animated series Ghost in the Shell, maybe.
But we aren’t, so they can’t. And you can’t blame them for the crappy design approved by management which allows no backup or second server to fall back on.
Nate

Greg –
Nate is explaining it the best. There’s nothing I can do for Nancy.
Peter

Greg just can’t let it go. You can sense he’s withholding something, something vital to this conversation.

Peter and Nate –
Whatever the case, you should be able to reconnect Nancy to get her work back. Otherwise we will lose valuable time and information. ASAP. Thanks.
Greg

Ugh, what does it take to get it across? I’m going to go a different route.

Greg –
Were you working on something when the network was upgraded, and you can’t save as well?
Nate

AND …

Nate –
Yes. I have two hours of work that I need to save or I’ll lose it if I have to log out and back in. I don’t want to have to redo all that work.
Greg

I fucking knew it. God damn lazy, oblivious programmers.

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WHO TOUCHED MY CHAIR?!?!

Please, help. I’m dying of laughing over here.

Who touched my chair?
Raymond

Oh good lord. Are we back to this again? Someone probably bumped his chair squeezing past it to use the fax machine*. I have to remind myself this is dramaking emailing everyone.

Hey, is this like that game “Who cut the cheese?” Because that game is a good one. The answer is usually, “He who smelt it dealt it.”
Nate

Of course, I think my constant snarky replies are now starting to kill the fun, because everyone is joining in. Man, that sucks. Stop ruining my fun, everyone else!

I would guess that it would be you, Raymond, since you have to touch it to sit in it.
Tim

What happened to your chair? Did someone do something awful to it? Was it molested? I need more details here.
Dave

Come on, people, you’re being insensitive!

This is not a joke. Someone pushed my chair so far under the desk that the arms are wedged tightly against the top. Now I can’t get it out from under the desk without janking on it and toppling/scattering all the stuff on top of my desk. This is not a funny prank.
Raymond

I agree. That was very mean. I mean, how can Raymond Noodle-arms sit down if he can’t get his chair out from under the desk. His stuff might get disturbed in the process. Time for solutions.

Raymond –
You could just use the little lever on the chair.
Nate

I thought that was sufficient to help. I was not aware that Raymond was a total idiot. He replies to all when he replies to me. So the chain keeps going!

Nate –
Pulling on the lever still doesn’t help me get my chair out from under my desk without spilling everything on it. Besides, I can’t get a good grip on it to tug firmly.
Raymond

Wait, what? Are you serious? I hope you – the reader – have figured out what I meant, because Raymond is still trying to yank his tightly wedged chair out from under his desk.

I think he means push the lever down, Raymond.
Tim

Thank you, Tim!

What good will that do? I pushed it down and pulled. I still couldn’t get a better grip on it even with the lever pushed down. If you guys can’t be helpful, don’t respond!
Raymond

Jesus H. Christ. Are you SERIOUSLY kidding me? This is retarded!

Raymond –
Push the lever down, and then push down on the chair seat. It will lower your chair down and then you can easily roll it from under the desk. ROCKET SURGERY!
Nate

I guess it worked (?) because that’s no longer the complaint in his next email.

Still doesn’t answer who touched my chair. I would like to know which one of you reprobates thought it would be funny to wedge my chair under my desk. This was no light tap or push!
Raymond

DAVID TO THE RESCUE!

Raymond –
The facilities guy came over to retrieve the 100 pound file cabinet you had shoved into the back corner of your cube. They couldn’t get the dolly in there without pushing your chair under the desk. Stop blaming the rest of us for something we didn’t do.
Dave

MYSTERY SOLVED. CRISIS AVERTED.

* I have no idea why we have a fax machine in the first place. We’r e a total electronic workplace. No one uses it. Well, maybe Raymond or the VP or the secretary d0, but no one would know that because no one likes to hang around Raymond’s desk more than 30 seconds!

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It’s More than an Email (Feelin)

So I was just surfing iHeartRadio, and apparently, you can hear the music from my headphones when they aren’t pressed over my ears.

There’s also this thing called Enterprise Messenger we use (AT&T calls it “Q Messenger” lame lol) to send each other messages.

My secondary sits right next to me, yet he thinks it’s better to talk to me over Q.

Scott: wtf are you listening to
Scott: is that a techno version of love bites
Me: Yes, it’s a revision by QED. It is more EDM than techno, btw.
Me: It is quite rad.
Scott: did you just say ‘rad’
Scott: yer old
Me: LOL
Scott: liar you did not just ‘laugh out loud’
Scott: i know because you’re sitting right next to me
Me: Texts the guy who could just look around the cube wall and say
Me: “Hey, is that Love Bites on your headphones derp derp shawoop?”

And then it was like, let me find the video on my machine and play it over the speakers just loud enough that me and Scott could sing along in the most insane but quiet rock band voices ever.

“I know you think that love is the way you make it, but I doan wanna be there when you decide to break it! Love bites, love bleeds, you’re bringing me to my knees!!!” XD

And then, an mass email appears!

I just wanted to remind everyone that there is a policy that states you cannot use your computer speakers for anything other than listening to work-related videos or podcasts. Whoever is playing that music – no matter how faint it is, I can hear it – needs to turn it off ASAP or I’m reporting it to the VP.
Raymond

No fucking way he can hear what is playing here all the fucking way over there. I even cruised by his desk to see if he could hear it, and I can’t hear anything. So I sat down and kept an eye out. Guess what? Raymond walks about halfway down the row and stops, standing there. He’s trying to peer into my cube when I turn around and give him the evil eye. Time to return a mass email.

I’m glad that Raymond is taking a 10 minute break every 15 minutes to check on me to make sure I’m obeying every company policy. I mean, that’s the most productive I’ve seen him in like the last two years.
Nate

The responses were classic!

Hahahaha burn!
Dave

Raymond – you better not be taking time out of your “busy” schedule to spy on me, as well. If I see you in my row, I’m calling you out.
Mary

Oh man, busted. I saw Raymond lingering at the end of our row the other day. I was wondering what he was doing, since he wasn’t actually talking to anyone.
Tim

I gave it a few minutes, watching my email alerts. Nothing for a good solid 15 minutes, so I though, “Maybe Raymond is sufficiently embarassed enough to just leave things alone.” Hahaha, was I stupid!

I do not appreciate the implication that I “spy” on people. I was merely looking for the source of the sounds I heard earlier. I’m pretty sure now that Nathan is improperly using his speakers to play music. Which is prohibited on the floor. I thought I’d just be proactive in alerting everyone before someone gets reprimanded.
Raymond

Oh, please. You take pleasure in being the floor snitch, Ray. Not going to let that one slide.

Raymond
I’ll stop playing music in my cube if you stop spying on everyone. Deal?
Nate

A few minutes later –

Just stop emailing me and everyone else about whatever. I don’t care about your musical exploits. Apparently neither does anyone else. So whatever.
Raymond

That would have been great as-is, but then this popped up on the end of the mass email chain –

Nate
Can you play some Boston next? I want to hear More than a Feeling! Raymond hates that song. Thanks!
Tim

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OMG Security Breach!

We work on a floor with secure entry. My desk is near the front door, so I always hear whoever is milling about outside the door. Thank Goodness it is a glass door, or I might have been rushed once or twice by unsecure persons. We’re also supposed to report random people who don’t possess badges wandering the halls and linger outside doors. There’s all sorts of rules regarding visitors. Floor security is SRS BSNS (serious bisons).

Not that anyone other than me appears to be obeying the rules. Those rules are there to be broken, I guess.

Today was amusing, in that a lady who works in Tech Writ – her name is LaShonwa* – had her boyfriend bring over her laptop. She promptly let us all know, so we could respond approrpriately.

Everybody –
My boyfriend Rory is coming up wth my laptop. Since I am busy wth a client return, whoever see him, please let him in. Thank you. Here is his picture:

(PICTURE ATTACHED)

Immediately, I’m uncomfortable. I know that it will be ME who notices some dude with a laptop bag lingering outside the door. And sure enough, in about 10 minutes, he does show up. He raps lightly on the glass, and I pretend to ignore him for a few mintues while I type up an email.

Everybody –
There’s a guy about 5’7″ standing outside the glass door with a laptop bag. He says he knows someone in the office. Should I let him in? Here is his picture:

(RE-ATTACHED THE PICTURE LASHONWA SENT ME)

I got up and let Rory after that. I pointed out LaShonwa’s cube, but I told him to take his time so not to raise suspicion. It was enough time that I got this email:

Nate –
Yes, that is Rory. I thought I sent the email to you, too. Could you please let him in?
Btw, did you just repost that picture that I sent out of him? Because that means you saw my email.

Someone else rapped on the door, so I took care of that, too. I responded to LaShonwa’s email by sending it everyone on the floor.

LaShonwa –
Okay, I let him and a few other random people in.

Cue two minutes and …

Nate –
Wait. Who were the other “random” people?
Doug

Nate –
Who did you let in? Did you not identify them first?!
Kelli

Ooops! Here, let me rectify that:

Hey,
LaShonwa notified us of her boyfriend coming over. She told me to let these two other people in, too.

Not a minute later:

Nate –
No no, I only said Rory, not two other people. Who are the two other people?
LaShonwa

Nathan –
Did you just let two unknown people into our office? That is a security breach and I have to notify security immediately!
Tony (team leader of the other team)

I can hear them talking excitedly to each other over near the secretary’s desk. Unfortunately, Mary spoils half my fun.

Everybody –
Don’t worry. One of the two people was me. Nate knows who I am, I don’t know why he didn’t just say “Mary and another person.”
Mary

Mary & Nate –
Okay, that’s still not better. Who is the OTHER PERSON?
Tony

Mary –
Did you see who the random person was that Nate let in? I’m a bit creeped out now! I don’t want to get into trouble!
LaShonwa

The best thing is that everyone is in the email chain, so it’s like a few of them are talking like I can’t see their responses!

Tony –
What idiot let’s two “random people” in the door? Call security NOW!
Raymond

LaShonwa – They sent me your mass email. You shouldn’t have your boyfriend let inside the office.
Raymond – Calm down, we’ve narrowed it down to one person. Please read your emails before responding.
Nate – You shouldn’t have let a “random person” into the office. Do you know who it was?
(My VP)

I guess I could give them a hint.

Everybody –
My bad. I mean, he looked official. He had a box and everything!

Guess who really gets crazy?

Seriously, you have massively compromised the security of this facility. I am calling security even if no one else is. Nathan, how could you be so stupid?
Raymond

My turn.

Everybody –
Does this guy look familiar to you?

Really? Anyone?

Although everyone else understands what just happened and is probably rolling their eyes right now, my buddy Raymond (yes, that Raymond) responds.

Nate –
I don’t recognize him. And no one seems to be responding in the positive. I’m going to report him and you to security. That box could be a weapon.
Raymond

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one …

Raymond –
That’s the UPS delivery man that comes in every day with a package. Next time, before you call security, you should let me talk to people. This is the fourth time this has happened this year.
(Our VP)

* I didn’t post Rory’s picture for reasons that I didn’t want anyone to think this was racially motivated. It could have been a 5’7″ white guy with tortoise shell glasses, and I still would have written these emails.
** Also, my VP hasn’t said anything about me actually being unprofessional in my email. So either they are being lax and not caring, or I’m just that funny. Probably the first. If she said, “Don’t do these things anymore,” I’d be the first to stop.

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OMG MORE EMAIL MADNESS

I like outside email as much as the next guy. It’s how we work with people. Lately, however, some weird email has been slipping through our filter at work. For example, I received this mass email in my box this morning:

Date: 31/05/2012
Dear Friend,
I am Mrs. Emily L. Brocksopp from the United Kingdom. What I am about to do is based on blind trust, hoping and praying that you will expand my wishes as desired. I will want you to help execute my WILL (£25.5 Million) for the orphans & less privilege around the world as I am not medically fit anymore.
Contact me for more details if interested.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Mrs. Emily L. Brocksopp.
Private Email: brocksoppemily@gmx.co.uk

OMG! Poor Mrs. Bocksopp! However shall her millions reach the poor and downtrodden?!?! Now everyone in my company knows of her sad situation!

I poked around a little and found some disturbing stuff. So I wrote to the LAN Admininstrator Brian (a rather old dude down on the second floor) who is supposed to be maintaining the spam filter for our internal email server.

Brian –

Everyone in the company received the email I attached below. I suspect that it somehow defeated your spam filter, perhaps in a network knife fight. Could you please take a look and make sure the filter is updated on a daily basis.

Otherwise poor Mrs. Brocksopp’s personal problems are going to reach that one person who will respond with their personal details and/or possible important company information.

Thanks.

Of course, not 15 minutes later, and Brian writes back:

Hey

I saw the email, too. I’m not sure how it’s getting past the filter since I just recently updated the filter by hand on Friday. I get updates to the security threats our company might be privvy to and I always update the filter immediately.

I’ll take care of it ASAP. Please don’t respond to the email. Tell everyone you know not to respond to the email. Thank you.

Uh, what? Two things immediately make me beat my head on the desk –
1. He updates the email filter by hand???
2. As he has not sent out a mass email reminding everyone to ignore the spam/phishing email, he expects me now to do it. For nine departments with over 2000+ people. It’s totally on now. I must act to save our networks from this act of villainy!

Brian –
I know what kind of filter software we’re using, since I can easily access it internally from the shell. You do know this thing has an automatic update feature from the vendor, right? That it costs NOTHING to let it update on its own every day? And you can tell it specifically what to block and not block?

Also, looking at the way you block websites on our server – why are you blocking it by URL? Shouldn’t you be blocking it by IP address using the security software installed, instead, so no one can actually get around the windows /etc/ file? How are you getting that to work? That’s the only thing I see referencing the sites blocked on our network at this time.

Just a thought.

10 minutes later, network genius Brian writes back:

I can’t find the function that allows the filter to update itself. I’m also not sure how you are accessing the shell, since that’s locked to non-devs. Also, no one can get around the website filter. I made sure of that.

Hahahaha, silly Lan Admin Guy. Where did you go to school? Moron University?

Brian –
You haven’t locked the shell to non-devs. Look at screencap 1 that I provided below. Clearly, I am in ur shell killin ur processes. I used SSH to get in there. You can access the SSH client from Start > Run. From there, I can basically view everything on the server and then acces it from there.
I have also provided screenshot 2 showing you the box you can click to auto-update the filter instead of doing it by hand. Just click the box, and hit save. You know what? I’ll do it for you.  Done. Saved across the entire server. Because you haven’t set the permissions of who can affect the entire server. Ta-da!
Finally, I can easily get around your URL filter attempt by going to a proxy server and accessing a banned site. Or by using the IP address instead of the URL.  Let’s see … how about youporn? There – take a look at screenshot 3. There’s YouPorn right there. That was one on your “website filter” aka retarded workaround because you are lazy.

I’m not sure how Brian is going to react to the screenshots, but I think I got his attention. 20 minutes later …

WTF are you doing? How the fuck did you get into the shell? I have the option set to not allow NON-DEVS into the shell! Second, I don’t trust the vendor to update our spam filter for email, so I’m going to shut the auto-update off. It takes me 4 hours twice a week to keep it adequately updated, and I don’t want to jeopardize that work.

Finally, since you have access to the shell, you’re probably disabling my URL blocker. Even through a proxy server, you shouldn’t be able to view that site. My method is not lazy – you’re just stupid. You are now entering dangerous territory, friend. I will have to inform my supervisors that you are hacking our network.

Uh, what? I am not hacking anything. I’m using the basic tools used to access the shell through the Start > Run > SSH option. Now I’m getting to the truth of the problem – he’s creating work so he looks busy, because he’s too lazy to do anything else. 8 hours of updating a filter? That’s just bullshit. He’s probably not doing ANYTHING during those 8 hours but surfing 4Chan via a proxy server.

Also, his shitty little workaround using the /etc/hosts is bad. I’m not sure how he got it to work in the first place, but now he’s LYING about the proxy/IP access. Let me fix that, send a few important emails with the chain attached and call a few people …

Brian –
I know you are a wizard, because now you are talking magic! I bow down to your magical networking powers, since they are almighty! You are the Chosen One. You will save electronic Hogwarts from the evil hacker Souleaters! Hahahaha.
I have already talked to my supervisor and your supervisor regarding the problems I see in our network. I have turned the auto-update back ON, because I don’t want any more sob stories from Mrs. Brocksopp that might make me cry during lunch.
I have also replaced your /etc/hosts method by turning on the Ironport monitor/blocker that was installed on our server. I have also downloaded the most current IP blacklist to the tool so it will not let me surf YouPorn even on a proxy network (by blocking 90% of the proxy networks like hidemyass.com and wujie.net).
I also set permissions on the server to block nearly everyone’s access to the shell and the programs running on the box. Everyone – save you and I – have read-only access to important functions. No one can write/execute/delete anything save you and me. That should prevent any further abuses. I’ll keep my access until I get confirmation – in the form of a nine page essay – that you know what you are doing.
You can send me a check later when you get a chance for doing all that for you. I’ll also accept an written apology for you insulting me. Anytime will be fine. I’ll just watch my email box.

At 11 am, I get this email –

Fuck you, man. I don’t believe that you know WTF you are talking about. What the fuck are permissions? And go ahead and call my boss – I’ll show him the image of you surfing YouPorn on a work machine. I also shut the auto-update off again … DO NOT TOUCH THE FILTER AGAIN OR I WILL FUCK YOUR ACCOUNT. Jesus, you engineers think you know every god damn thing.

LOL. He’ll fuck my account oh teh noes! Wait for it … wait for it …

Nate,
Thanks for the heads-up. Brian is no longer working for us, and I’m putting Charles on the job. You were right – he had no idea what he was doing and put our network at risk. Lying to us and putting our clients at risk is a one-strike offense. Charles may contact you to get the details of what you enabled, but I think we’re good now.
If you notice any other violations or issues, let Charles know – he’ll work with you to get them resolved.
Tom Lyan
Director, Network Services

My response:

Tom –
Thank you. Brian led me to think that somehow he had manifested magical powers and could control the entire network with his wand. It was touch and go there for a second, but I’m glad I could prove his heresy.
I’ll let Charles know if I find any future wizardry going on in the servers.

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ERMAHGERD CAKE THIEVES cont.

In my last post, I told you I was accused of being a cake thief, and how I proved my total innocence. Here is the VP’s response:

Raymond –
I have indeed confirmed with Poppy that you left your cake container in the fridge despite the warning. You even resent the warning, so the only person to blame for this one is you. Poppy didn’t throw away your fork – it’s in the drawer under the sink in a napkin.

Maybe in the future, you should refrain from accusing other people of taking your things and alerting HR. If you believe someone has stolen from you, tell me first then make a complaint to HR. I had to call HR and tell them we resolved the situation and that it was a misunderstanding. They are rather irritated by the false accusation.

Thank you, Nathan, for helping us discover what happened to Raymond’s cake and fork. While your replies were rather raw, they were funny. I think we can further avoid situations like this in the future if the right steps are taken at the on-set.

So I wrote to her:

You’re welcome. I’m glad someone around here has a sense of humor. Some of us were offended that Raymond accused the group at large for stealing his cake, and I thought I could rectify it by email. I kept it between us, and did not mass email the conversation (although I was afraid that Raymond might). I’ll alert you to the next Cake incident, should one arise.

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Cake Thieves

Inter-office email is awesome. And by awesome, I mean it’s incredibly hilarious in that there are always mass emails that have absolutely nothing to do with half the office, but certain folks assume that the entire office should be aware of their problems. In fact, we have one gentleman – his name is Raymond – whose singular job apparently is to send out mass emails about the craziest and stupidest subjects that have probably already been broadcast to the rest of the group. He sits in the cube RIGHT NEXT TO THE VICE-PRES’ OFFICE. No favortism there – he’s a glorified secretary (although we already have an office secretary).

For example, we got an email from the building’s security office stating this:

The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for our area until 6 pm. Winds up to 50 mph and heavy rain, possibly hail. If you are leaving during the warning, please be aware of your weather surroundings. If you are here when severe weather threatens our site, please take note of the severe weather shelter plans that are posted about the floor. Thank you.

Not even two minutes later, we get this email from Raymond:

Letting you know that we’re in a severe weather warning for our area. We might get some super heavy winds and maybe some hail, so be careful when going out to your car. If severe weather threatens our building, please refer to the plans that building security has posted about the floor.

What is funny is that he actually REPLIED TO ALL on the notice just sent out from Building Security. So I get an extra worthless email with every event that goes out mass email. Here’s another example, first from HR:

Please refer to the chart for what shoes are allowed per the dress code for summer. Thank you. (Large chart with pictures of shoes)

Here’s Raymond’s mass email three minutes later, attached to the HR email:

Here is the summer footware allowed by our dress codes. Please note that flip-flops and tennis shoes are on the no-no list. I will notify HR if I see you wearing inappropriate footware at work.

Ah, so now are we not only getting the SAME mass email resent to us, but we now know who the snitch in the office is. I’m sure Raymond will enjoy random bugs and stuff in his coffee.

So this brings me to our most recent mass email from Raymond. We have rules about the lunch room. HR sends out this email in the morning:

It has come to our attention that some people are taking and/or eating food that does not belong to them from the fridge in the lunch room. It is company policy that doing so is considered theft and will be dealt with according to company policy. Thank you.

An hour later, poof! An email from Raymond with the HR letter attached!

I have informed HR of missing food items in the lunch room. Someone – perhaps several of you – has/have been eating my cake. If I find out who it is, I will turn you in ASAP and there will be dire consequences for violating company policy regarding my cake.

It wouldn’t have been more than a blip on my email radar, save at the top, the subject is RE: Cake thieves – you know who you are, and he states there are company policies regarding his cake. So now it’s on – I have to fire something back at him.

Raymond –
I don’t know who is eating your cake, but perhaps there is some sort of misunderstanding. I mean, when people see cake in the fridge, they probably think “Hey, someone had a birthday and there is leftover cake! I should eat this before it goes bad and tell my coworkers about it so they can help me!” We have policies regarding food left in the fridge for too long, so maybe someone’s trying to help you. Just a thought.

I knew he’d write me back, and he does so, CCing the VP:

That is impossible. My cake was clearly labeled with my name on the plastic cover in black permanent marker. It also had a fork from my home silverware set sitting on the cardboard bottom, and now that the thief has eaten my cake and thrown away the container, I am missing a fork as well. If you know who is responsible, it would be in your best effort to tell (VP) and me. Or you’re just as guilty and you may suffer consequences, possibly being fired.

Hmmmm. I think I know what happened to Raymond’s cake, but before I get to that, I really have to reply to the “getting fired” comment. Who gets fired over cake? If my company is firing people because of cake, then things are much worse than I thought.

Raymond –
Well, it seems highly suspicious that someone would throw away the container with your cake and fork after eating your entire cake. Let me ask you this – are you sure you brought cake in? Maybe you were imagining you had a cake in the fridge and that some imaginary person ate your imaginary cake. Because I really doubt that anyone stole your cake.

Oh man, I just accused Raymond of having an overactive imagination. Now he’s mad.

I know I had cake in the fridge. I did not just “imagine” it. It was given to me by VP for my birthday last week. I ate two slices on Friday, and on Tuesday, the remaining cake mysteriously disappeared from the fridge. The fact that you are responding to me and arguing with me makes me think you are hiding something. Maybe your guilt for eating my cake. IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING, YOU BETTER TELL US.

Whoa whoa, Raymond. Calm down. Maybe sitting there with nothing to do has frayed your nerves a bit. It’s just cake FFS. I love the fact that you are threatening me with stealing your cake and are YELLING for a confession. One more question:

Raymond –
So the cake has been there since Friday? You did not take it home with you? You did not feed it to your dog or your wife or your dog wife? You did not accidentally throw it away yourself? You did not consume it with your magical mind powers while writing mass emails? Just checking – this is vital to my investigation into the Case of the Missing Cake.

Here it comes:

One, I am not married and I do not have a dog. I did not take my cake home.
Two, I did not “accidentally” throw it away. Are you applying that I’m a clutz with Alzheimers?
Three, now you’re being insulting and I do not appreciate your implications.
Four, I think you are the cake thief. VP, I think Nate ate my cake on Monday.

LOL. I search through my email from last week, from Poppy – another manager over here in my building on my floor. I take care to attach it to the email chain before I respond:

Raymond –
I have solved the Case! Please refer to the following mass email by you and Poppy.

RE: Subject: Disgusting Fridge
From: Raymond
You heard Poppy. Please remove your leftovers from the fridge on Friday or they will end up in the trash. She’s even listing containers, so you might want to check the fridge and get them out.

Subject: Disgusting Fridge
From: Poppy
Just letting you know that we have a policy here that states that you cannot just leave food in our fridges for longer than three days. Our fridge has become packed with abandoned food, so on Friday after work, I am going to clean out the fridge, regardless of who it belongs to. Some people have written their names on their containers, so I’ll list them here:
Cathy – salad container
Mike – Lunch bag
Raymond – cake container  <—-
Polly – Sandwich container
Please pick them up ASAP or they are going in the trash on Friday. Thank you. 

THERE YOU GO. CASE CLOSED ONCE AGAIN BY DETECTIVE NATHAN, INTEROFFICE CRIME SOLVER

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