It seems like everywhere I go on the Internet, there is a political argument brewing. And in every political argument, there’s people making up wrongful facts about the US forefathers (for their own personal gain). Half the time, they even get the forefathers’ names wrong.
So I decided I would just make up my own alternate set of US forefathers. Which are cooler and more kick ass than the originals.*
Thomas Edgar Allen Jefferson Poe
Author of the Declaration of Independence, and The Telltale Patriot. Fond of wearing black and writing dark poetry, he wanted to make the national bird a raven. Famous for saying, “When in the course of human events/a threat from foreign shore/these truths be self-evident/We the People roar/a tax we shall circumvent – tyranny nevermore.”
George Foreman Washington
First President of the US and knocked out General Cornwallis in the eighth round to become the heavyweight world champion. Not a great strategist, but invented the grease-less grill to cook hot dogs and apple pie on.
Sam Grizzly Adams
Political statesman, frontiersman and philosopher, Sam was well known for slinging expert insults at his opponents. He was also good at slinging large bears at his opponents. He also organized the Boston Tea Party because – quote – “English tea tastes like piss, and now I gotta pay extra for it? Gimme some of that lager.”
John Lennon Adams
“There’s gonna be a revolution, well, you know, all you need is love. And she loves you, yeah yeah yeah. Let’s not work eight days a week, because a hard day’s night leads to helter skelter. When I was younger so much younger than today, across the universe, happiness is a warm gun.”
Alexander the Great Hamilton
Believed to be born of Zeus, Hamilton was a great writer and lawyer. He later founded the Bank of New York, which went out and conquered most of Persia. He then rode on the back of the New York Times, trying to take over India, but his homies would have none of that nonsense.
James Bond Madison
Another political philosopher with a license to kill. Known as the Father of the Bill of Rights, Madison was also a kick ass secret agent who saved the Louisiana Purchase from Ernst Blofeld. Loves his martinis shaken, not stirred.
Ben Affleck Franklin
Inventor, statesman and once dated Jennifer Lopez (the famous Bennifer). Spent most of his time dazed and confused, and making sweet love to French whores. He managed to convince the French to join the war, and was eventually shot down in his Mustang fighter somewhere over the English Channel.
Nathan Lane Hale
Was the first American spy who liked to wear fluffy shirts and sandals. Fought for freedom and the right to act on Broadway. Won an Emmy for his great death speech, “I regret that I have one life to give to my country and these husky, brawny British soldiers. Oooooooo!”
* Why not? If you’re going to do it, do it with style!
Read Full Post »