Inter-office email is awesome. And by awesome, I mean it’s incredibly hilarious in that there are always mass emails that have absolutely nothing to do with half the office, but certain folks assume that the entire office should be aware of their problems. In fact, we have one gentleman – his name is Raymond – whose singular job apparently is to send out mass emails about the craziest and stupidest subjects that have probably already been broadcast to the rest of the group. He sits in the cube RIGHT NEXT TO THE VICE-PRES’ OFFICE. No favortism there – he’s a glorified secretary (although we already have an office secretary).
For example, we got an email from the building’s security office stating this:
The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for our area until 6 pm. Winds up to 50 mph and heavy rain, possibly hail. If you are leaving during the warning, please be aware of your weather surroundings. If you are here when severe weather threatens our site, please take note of the severe weather shelter plans that are posted about the floor. Thank you.
Not even two minutes later, we get this email from Raymond:
Letting you know that we’re in a severe weather warning for our area. We might get some super heavy winds and maybe some hail, so be careful when going out to your car. If severe weather threatens our building, please refer to the plans that building security has posted about the floor.
What is funny is that he actually REPLIED TO ALL on the notice just sent out from Building Security. So I get an extra worthless email with every event that goes out mass email. Here’s another example, first from HR:
Please refer to the chart for what shoes are allowed per the dress code for summer. Thank you. (Large chart with pictures of shoes)
Here’s Raymond’s mass email three minutes later, attached to the HR email:
Here is the summer footware allowed by our dress codes. Please note that flip-flops and tennis shoes are on the no-no list. I will notify HR if I see you wearing inappropriate footware at work.
Ah, so now are we not only getting the SAME mass email resent to us, but we now know who the snitch in the office is. I’m sure Raymond will enjoy random bugs and stuff in his coffee.
So this brings me to our most recent mass email from Raymond. We have rules about the lunch room. HR sends out this email in the morning:
It has come to our attention that some people are taking and/or eating food that does not belong to them from the fridge in the lunch room. It is company policy that doing so is considered theft and will be dealt with according to company policy. Thank you.
An hour later, poof! An email from Raymond with the HR letter attached!
I have informed HR of missing food items in the lunch room. Someone – perhaps several of you – has/have been eating my cake. If I find out who it is, I will turn you in ASAP and there will be dire consequences for violating company policy regarding my cake.
It wouldn’t have been more than a blip on my email radar, save at the top, the subject is RE: Cake thieves – you know who you are, and he states there are company policies regarding his cake. So now it’s on – I have to fire something back at him.
I don’t know who is eating your cake, but perhaps there is some sort of misunderstanding. I mean, when people see cake in the fridge, they probably think “Hey, someone had a birthday and there is leftover cake! I should eat this before it goes bad and tell my coworkers about it so they can help me!” We have policies regarding food left in the fridge for too long, so maybe someone’s trying to help you. Just a thought.
I knew he’d write me back, and he does so, CCing the VP:
That is impossible. My cake was clearly labeled with my name on the plastic cover in black permanent marker. It also had a fork from my home silverware set sitting on the cardboard bottom, and now that the thief has eaten my cake and thrown away the container, I am missing a fork as well. If you know who is responsible, it would be in your best effort to tell (VP) and me. Or you’re just as guilty and you may suffer consequences, possibly being fired.
Hmmmm. I think I know what happened to Raymond’s cake, but before I get to that, I really have to reply to the “getting fired” comment. Who gets fired over cake? If my company is firing people because of cake, then things are much worse than I thought.
Well, it seems highly suspicious that someone would throw away the container with your cake and fork after eating your entire cake. Let me ask you this – are you sure you brought cake in? Maybe you were imagining you had a cake in the fridge and that some imaginary person ate your imaginary cake. Because I really doubt that anyone stole your cake.
Oh man, I just accused Raymond of having an overactive imagination. Now he’s mad.
I know I had cake in the fridge. I did not just “imagine” it. It was given to me by VP for my birthday last week. I ate two slices on Friday, and on Tuesday, the remaining cake mysteriously disappeared from the fridge. The fact that you are responding to me and arguing with me makes me think you are hiding something. Maybe your guilt for eating my cake. IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING, YOU BETTER TELL US.
Whoa whoa, Raymond. Calm down. Maybe sitting there with nothing to do has frayed your nerves a bit. It’s just cake FFS. I love the fact that you are threatening me with stealing your cake and are YELLING for a confession. One more question:
So the cake has been there since Friday? You did not take it home with you? You did not feed it to your dog or your wife or your dog wife? You did not accidentally throw it away yourself? You did not consume it with your magical mind powers while writing mass emails? Just checking – this is vital to my investigation into the Case of the Missing Cake.
Here it comes:
One, I am not married and I do not have a dog. I did not take my cake home.
Two, I did not “accidentally” throw it away. Are you applying that I’m a clutz with Alzheimers?
Three, now you’re being insulting and I do not appreciate your implications.
Four, I think you are the cake thief. VP, I think Nate ate my cake on Monday.
LOL. I search through my email from last week, from Poppy – another manager over here in my building on my floor. I take care to attach it to the email chain before I respond:
I have solved the Case! Please refer to the following mass email by you and Poppy.
RE: Subject: Disgusting Fridge
You heard Poppy. Please remove your leftovers from the fridge on Friday or they will end up in the trash. She’s even listing containers, so you might want to check the fridge and get them out.
Subject: Disgusting Fridge
Just letting you know that we have a policy here that states that you cannot just leave food in our fridges for longer than three days. Our fridge has become packed with abandoned food, so on Friday after work, I am going to clean out the fridge, regardless of who it belongs to. Some people have written their names on their containers, so I’ll list them here:
Cathy – salad container
Mike – Lunch bag
Raymond – cake container <—-
Polly – Sandwich container
Please pick them up ASAP or they are going in the trash on Friday. Thank you.
THERE YOU GO. CASE CLOSED ONCE AGAIN BY DETECTIVE NATHAN, INTEROFFICE CRIME SOLVER