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Archive for May, 2012

In my last post, I told you I was accused of being a cake thief, and how I proved my total innocence. Here is the VP’s response:

Raymond -
I have indeed confirmed with Poppy that you left your cake container in the fridge despite the warning. You even resent the warning, so the only person to blame for this one is you. Poppy didn’t throw away your fork – it’s in the drawer under the sink in a napkin.

Maybe in the future, you should refrain from accusing other people of taking your things and alerting HR. If you believe someone has stolen from you, tell me first then make a complaint to HR. I had to call HR and tell them we resolved the situation and that it was a misunderstanding. They are rather irritated by the false accusation.

Thank you, Nathan, for helping us discover what happened to Raymond’s cake and fork. While your replies were rather raw, they were funny. I think we can further avoid situations like this in the future if the right steps are taken at the on-set.

So I wrote to her:

You’re welcome. I’m glad someone around here has a sense of humor. Some of us were offended that Raymond accused the group at large for stealing his cake, and I thought I could rectify it by email. I kept it between us, and did not mass email the conversation (although I was afraid that Raymond might). I’ll alert you to the next Cake incident, should one arise.

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Cake Thieves

Inter-office email is awesome. And by awesome, I mean it’s incredibly hilarious in that there are always mass emails that have absolutely nothing to do with half the office, but certain folks assume that the entire office should be aware of their problems. In fact, we have one gentleman – his name is Raymond – whose singular job apparently is to send out mass emails about the craziest and stupidest subjects that have probably already been broadcast to the rest of the group. He sits in the cube RIGHT NEXT TO THE VICE-PRES’ OFFICE. No favortism there – he’s a glorified secretary (although we already have an office secretary).

For example, we got an email from the building’s security office stating this:

The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for our area until 6 pm. Winds up to 50 mph and heavy rain, possibly hail. If you are leaving during the warning, please be aware of your weather surroundings. If you are here when severe weather threatens our site, please take note of the severe weather shelter plans that are posted about the floor. Thank you.

Not even two minutes later, we get this email from Raymond:

Letting you know that we’re in a severe weather warning for our area. We might get some super heavy winds and maybe some hail, so be careful when going out to your car. If severe weather threatens our building, please refer to the plans that building security has posted about the floor.

What is funny is that he actually REPLIED TO ALL on the notice just sent out from Building Security. So I get an extra worthless email with every event that goes out mass email. Here’s another example, first from HR:

Please refer to the chart for what shoes are allowed per the dress code for summer. Thank you. (Large chart with pictures of shoes)

Here’s Raymond’s mass email three minutes later, attached to the HR email:

Here is the summer footware allowed by our dress codes. Please note that flip-flops and tennis shoes are on the no-no list. I will notify HR if I see you wearing inappropriate footware at work.

Ah, so now are we not only getting the SAME mass email resent to us, but we now know who the snitch in the office is. I’m sure Raymond will enjoy random bugs and stuff in his coffee.

So this brings me to our most recent mass email from Raymond. We have rules about the lunch room. HR sends out this email in the morning:

It has come to our attention that some people are taking and/or eating food that does not belong to them from the fridge in the lunch room. It is company policy that doing so is considered theft and will be dealt with according to company policy. Thank you.

An hour later, poof! An email from Raymond with the HR letter attached!

I have informed HR of missing food items in the lunch room. Someone – perhaps several of you – has/have been eating my cake. If I find out who it is, I will turn you in ASAP and there will be dire consequences for violating company policy regarding my cake.

It wouldn’t have been more than a blip on my email radar, save at the top, the subject is RE: Cake thieves – you know who you are, and he states there are company policies regarding his cake. So now it’s on – I have to fire something back at him.

Raymond -
I don’t know who is eating your cake, but perhaps there is some sort of misunderstanding. I mean, when people see cake in the fridge, they probably think “Hey, someone had a birthday and there is leftover cake! I should eat this before it goes bad and tell my coworkers about it so they can help me!” We have policies regarding food left in the fridge for too long, so maybe someone’s trying to help you. Just a thought.

I knew he’d write me back, and he does so, CCing the VP:

That is impossible. My cake was clearly labeled with my name on the plastic cover in black permanent marker. It also had a fork from my home silverware set sitting on the cardboard bottom, and now that the thief has eaten my cake and thrown away the container, I am missing a fork as well. If you know who is responsible, it would be in your best effort to tell (VP) and me. Or you’re just as guilty and you may suffer consequences, possibly being fired.

Hmmmm. I think I know what happened to Raymond’s cake, but before I get to that, I really have to reply to the “getting fired” comment. Who gets fired over cake? If my company is firing people because of cake, then things are much worse than I thought.

Raymond -
Well, it seems highly suspicious that someone would throw away the container with your cake and fork after eating your entire cake. Let me ask you this – are you sure you brought cake in? Maybe you were imagining you had a cake in the fridge and that some imaginary person ate your imaginary cake. Because I really doubt that anyone stole your cake.

Oh man, I just accused Raymond of having an overactive imagination. Now he’s mad.

I know I had cake in the fridge. I did not just “imagine” it. It was given to me by VP for my birthday last week. I ate two slices on Friday, and on Tuesday, the remaining cake mysteriously disappeared from the fridge. The fact that you are responding to me and arguing with me makes me think you are hiding something. Maybe your guilt for eating my cake. IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING, YOU BETTER TELL US.

Whoa whoa, Raymond. Calm down. Maybe sitting there with nothing to do has frayed your nerves a bit. It’s just cake FFS. I love the fact that you are threatening me with stealing your cake and are YELLING for a confession. One more question:

Raymond -
So the cake has been there since Friday? You did not take it home with you? You did not feed it to your dog or your wife or your dog wife? You did not accidentally throw it away yourself? You did not consume it with your magical mind powers while writing mass emails? Just checking – this is vital to my investigation into the Case of the Missing Cake.

Here it comes:

One, I am not married and I do not have a dog. I did not take my cake home.
Two, I did not “accidentally” throw it away. Are you applying that I’m a clutz with Alzheimers?
Three, now you’re being insulting and I do not appreciate your implications.
Four, I think you are the cake thief. VP, I think Nate ate my cake on Monday.

LOL. I search through my email from last week, from Poppy – another manager over here in my building on my floor. I take care to attach it to the email chain before I respond:

Raymond -
I have solved the Case! Please refer to the following mass email by you and Poppy.

RE: Subject: Disgusting Fridge
From: Raymond
You heard Poppy. Please remove your leftovers from the fridge on Friday or they will end up in the trash. She’s even listing containers, so you might want to check the fridge and get them out.

Subject: Disgusting Fridge
From: Poppy
Just letting you know that we have a policy here that states that you cannot just leave food in our fridges for longer than three days. Our fridge has become packed with abandoned food, so on Friday after work, I am going to clean out the fridge, regardless of who it belongs to. Some people have written their names on their containers, so I’ll list them here:
Cathy – salad container
Mike – Lunch bag
Raymond – cake container  <—-
Polly – Sandwich container
Please pick them up ASAP or they are going in the trash on Friday. Thank you.
 

THERE YOU GO. CASE CLOSED ONCE AGAIN BY DETECTIVE NATHAN, INTEROFFICE CRIME SOLVER

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Zeke just notified me that Iron Man Mode is popping up EVERYWHERE!

Hey U Guys UK

Nine Over Ten

Frictionless Insight

Galaxy Next Door

And many more. The thing is – once one of the sites tags us, another site reblogs it. Woot!

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Cancer Survivor

My friend from the Seraph Inn forums – Klork – has started her own blog about being a cancer survivor. I encourage you to read it, even if you’ve never had cancer or know anyone who does/has. She’s tough, and she’s a great artist, to boot.

IN ZEE OTHER NEWS – Well, I realized when looking in my spam box that I got at least five more emails for Kris H#####l before his school fixed the problem (I haven’t gotten any since last Friday). Hey, Kris – you got a 90% in Advanced Biology. Just thought you might want to know that (if you didn’t).

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Amid the many emails I got this Memorial Day, this one was by far the funniest -

Is it too much to ask?

All I want is one Memorial Day when I’m not bombarded by the songs “Only in America” and “God Bless the USA.” I’ll take David Guetta and LMFAO any day over those two craptastic songs. I mean, “Only in America” is the worst, because Brooks and Dunn are the worst abusers of taking something patriotic and turning it into a commercial. It’s the theme of NASCAR that earns them a million bucks every time it’s played, for fuck sake. We should declare war on Brookes and Dunn for being terrorists.

Seriously, I think my Marine pal sitting next to me at the lake when both songs played back to back over the intercomm system said it best -

“I think it’s funny that they’re slowly killing my brain with that crap. Only in America will a group of people dispute your valid birth certificate because they hate you politically. Only in America will they racially profile every person on the street out of fear of losing our jobs. Only in America would a song this God awful be popular.”

LOL Thanks for the emails. I had a great weekend, and I thank all those fellow soldiers at the Halo Lounge who drank with me while staring at women in bikini tops and short shorts. Now that’s freedom.

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I think this is the last time I’ll receive email from this guy. He used my original email address, so I think he believes me now:

hey
my life sorta sux atm so sorry about all that shit earlier.

Walter

Hey, dude, that’s okay. A couple years from now, we’ll both look back on this and laugh. More you than me, since I already had a great laugh. But I digress:

Wally -
No worries. Here’s a picture of a derpy pony to make you feel better.

May the Force be with you and I hope your life gets better. You’re young – it should.

Nate

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I have a funny feeling this is NEVER going to end.

kris
i know its you. i did look at the email address and its (REMOVED). pretending to be this nathan guy is gay and also you are being a fag for not just facing me and telling me how you feel about stuff. also asking for an apology because you are pretending to be someone else is a dick move from a dick head. so why don’t you go fuck yoursel and also tell lisa your sorry because she stil wont talk to me. youve basically ruined my life. also STOP FUCKING CALLING ME WALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walter

I’m of the mind this is a joke, save that I tried sending an email to the address Wally gave me in his email and guess what? I got that email in my email box! Google says it’s not them – someone is redirecting email sent to their mailbox to my email address and vice-versa. BRAVO KRIS BRAVO! You’ve just figured out how to be the biggest non-confrontational guy at Washington University (I was able to derive where this dude is). I’ve contacted Washington University via email telling them to check Mr Kris’ account and make sure that I’m no longer forwarded his email. Still, golfclap to Kris because this is freakin’ brilliant!

Now I have an unintentional pen pal!

Dearest Wally -
Okay, you got me. I’m really Kris and I’m really fucking with you. So much so that I’ve forwarded your email to another person’s account so I don’t have to read it. Some other douche is now reading your emails, and is probably laughing his ass off while doing it. I’m going to email him the photos, so he can get an even better chuckle. Dude, you’re pants are missing in like six or seven of the photos! Hahahahaha!

Lisa’s not talking to you because you called her a liar, but because she’s too busy getting it on with me and my girlfriend. She’d talk to her, but her mouth is too full of my cock most of the time. You should come over and say hello sometime – you might catch us mid-threesome. We could do the foursome thing, only I get to be on top of you. I mean, you did call me a fag and said I was gay, right? Right?

Also, stop using also every other sentence. It’s very annoying, also it’s very ignorant. Also you might want to learn how to capitalize proper nouns and the first words in sentences, and also learn how to use an apostrophe. I mean, I realize you’re probably one of those guys who can’t remember the difference between your/you’re or there/their/they’re, but it would take four seconds to learn the rules. Also you’d benefit in real life from knowing everything I just told you. Also. Also also.

Anyway, I never apologized to you in the previous letter – I just said not to be angry at Kris. Because my name is Nathan – there’s no Chris, Kris or Cris in my name anywhere. I’ve asked the college to stop the email forwarding from Kris’ account. I think it was incredibly clever and awesome that he learned how to shuck your lame ass emails to me. Thus I applaud him. If you want to keep sending me email, however, go ahead and send it to (REMOVED).

I’ll keep talking to you, sir. Also.

Nate

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