Moar Made Up Forefathers

Paul Bunyan Revere
Rode his giant blue ox across the eastern seaboard to warn the American army about British advances. It was a common myth that he hung his giant lantern in the church, because his giant lantern is as big as a church. He was also one of the pioneers of mass production of metal because he was so damn big he could mine for silver, copper and iron ore with his bare hands. Had a billion kids.
(Hattip Riggs)

Patrick Henry Fonda
A critic of big government, Patrick Henry Fonda went out and drafted a Constitution. He was a method-patriot and fought like 12 Angry Men all at once. After the Longest Day, he discovered he was the Wrong Man to reject federalism, due to prostate cancer, so he became a republican On Golden Pond. Said, “Give me liberty, or a nice glass of lemon-aid would be fine, too.”

Thomas Hobbes Paine
Writer of Comm0n Sense, Thomas also had a thing for social contracts (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). His foray into politics was solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short. He believed in ethics and gas. He was also a materialist who somehow brokered the minimum wage. Hated Napoleon, and for some (Age of) Reason, only six people came to his funeral.

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Our Made-Up Forefathers

It seems like everywhere I go on the Internet, there is a political argument brewing. And in every political argument, there’s people making up wrongful facts about the US forefathers (for their own personal gain). Half the time, they even get the forefathers’ names wrong.

So I decided I would just make up my own alternate set of US forefathers. Which are cooler and more kick ass than the originals.*

Thomas Edgar Allen Jefferson Poe
Author of the Declaration of Independence, and The Telltale Patriot. Fond of wearing black and writing dark poetry, he wanted to make the national bird a raven. Famous for saying, “When in the course of human events/a threat from foreign shore/these truths be self-evident/We the People roar/a tax we shall circumvent – tyranny nevermore.”

George Foreman Washington
First President of the US and knocked out General Cornwallis in the eighth round to become the heavyweight world champion. Not a great strategist, but invented the grease-less grill to cook hot dogs and apple pie on.

Sam Grizzly Adams
Political statesman, frontiersman and philosopher, Sam was well known for slinging expert insults at his opponents. He was also good at slinging large bears at his opponents. He also organized the Boston Tea Party because – quote – “English tea tastes like piss, and now I gotta pay extra for it? Gimme some of that lager.”

John Lennon Adams
“There’s gonna be a revolution, well, you know, all you need is love. And she loves you, yeah yeah yeah. Let’s not work eight days a week, because a hard day’s night leads to helter skelter. When I was younger so much younger than today, across the universe, happiness is a warm gun.”

Alexander the Great Hamilton
Believed to be born of Zeus, Hamilton was a great writer and lawyer. He later founded the Bank of New York, which went out and conquered most of Persia. He then rode on the back of the New York Times, trying to take over India, but his homies would have none of that nonsense.

James Bond Madison
Another political philosopher with a license to kill. Known as the Father of the Bill of Rights, Madison was also a kick ass secret agent who saved the Louisiana Purchase from Ernst Blofeld. Loves his martinis shaken, not stirred.

Ben Affleck Franklin
Inventor, statesman and once dated Jennifer Lopez (the famous Bennifer). Spent most of his time dazed and confused, and making sweet love to French whores. He managed to convince the French to join the war, and was eventually shot down in his Mustang fighter somewhere over the English Channel.

Nathan Lane Hale
Was the first American spy who liked to wear fluffy shirts and sandals. Fought for freedom and the right to act on Broadway.  Won an Emmy for his great death speech, “I regret that I have one life to give to my country and these husky, brawny British soldiers. Oooooooo!”

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* Why not? If you’re going to do it, do it with style!

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There are No Hispanics in the RNC

Or that’s what you’d think if you read their recent attempt at putting up an article in Spanish. You’d think that with so many problems popping up in the Republican party that they’d take more care. Especially when aiming at a growing voting bloc.

If you ever needed proof that Dick Cheney was a fearmongering SOB, here it is. I’ll paraphrase – even the God damn military thinks he’s using scare tactics to try and disrupt the present administration.

Remember when I said that talking about harming the President was a bad idea? Well, more retards are still making that mistake. Don’t be one of the many, many brain-dead assholes.

Jon Stewart should jump on getting Palin to appear on the Daily Show. Since she has so much time on her hands now. It would be comedic and ironic gold.

Yesterday, I reached my 600th approved comment. I’m kinda sad that it came admist so many racist and hateful ones. It was pretty harsh – the ghey Neo Nazis Googled my blag, so they felt the need to use the N word and bash every minority on the planet. I deleted at least 15 of them and only cleared like three to show you just how Fucked up Neo Nazis are. Yes, that’s Fucked with a capital F. The rest of the moronic comments were trying to tell me just how awesome Glenn Beck and/or Rush Limbaugh are, and how I suck so bad for hating on them.

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IDAM: PLACE NUKE FACILITY HERE

Today’s IDAM:
Let’s build a nuclear plant right next to one of our military bases. The US would never strike there, right? Right??

Here’s a hint to all you morons out there – even if you don’t agree with Obama’s policies, creating Facebook poll about assassinating the President of the United States is idiotic. Just to let you know. Even if he suggests lengthening the school year and shortening your summer break.  Just DON’T DO IT. I swear – retards are everywhere.

The income gap widens between the rich and poor in the US. Mostly due to a rise in unemployment and lower wages. While that’s worth reporting itself, I just have to point out that MSNBC then turns around and creates an article about how to be extremely lazy at work and still succeed/get promoted. I LOL’ed.

My two favorite people are back in the news. Rush Limbaugh‘s racist comments about the bus beating encourages a Neo Nazi rally. And apparently Glenn Beck did a lot of drugs – which is about as surprising as Iran hating Israel. More reasons to get rid of both of these assholes before they influence something important.

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I’m Gonna Interrupt Kanye

What a dick. It was obvious that Twitter wasn’t really Kanye’s, but one that interrupted every major news story Kanye-style. It was a hilarious, awesome Twitter feed.

And now the ass gets what he wants. Way to cave, Twitter.

(BTW, I’m in Orlando for a week, and aside from the 5 hour delay on Monday to get here, I’m having a blast! Love the weather!)

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Welcome Visitors from Johnny Wander

I must admit – I’m slightly surprised I’m getting hits from my comments over on Johnny Wander. It’s a great comic. I appreciate the skills and friendliness of both Yuko and Ananth. Feel free to comment – but please note that I’m lazy and hate spam (read my tabs for more).

Note to everyone who has left comments on my blag scolding me for being so rough on Rush Limbaugh – he just had a complete racist tirade on his radio show. How can you people still be his fans? From here on out, every time I get a comment defending Rush Limbaugh, I’m going to send you a Kanye filled email.

I love how easy it is for the opposition to take Obama’s speeches out of  context. I mean, if you listen to the whole speech, it makes sense. He’s not advocating giving illegal immigrants free citizenship. We have to stop illegal immigrants and stop stalling on those trying to get citizenship legally. We need to fix the immigration issue to get part of the health care issue resolved. Part of our problem with health care is that LEGAL IMMIGRANTS that have become citizens  aren’t getting health care. WTF?

If you want to know some of the more fucked up problems with health care insurance companies, read this. Pretty bad, if you ask me.

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Missile Defense Plans

I’d say we’re not “scrapping” the entire plan, but upgrading it. Instead of expensive, easy-to-circumvent permanent emplacements, we’re looking at mobile, cheaper and better ranged defenses. I noticed the Republicans complaining about the shift are all pro-Bushites.

Obama’s right about one thing – health care is one of the defining struggles of my generation. As always, I say start at TORT REFORM and work their way towards cheaper, more extensive health care. Health care for the poor wouldn’t be a fucking problem if it was cheaper for the state to provide.

He wields the blue lightsaber!

Reference – > Obama even makes the saber noises with his mouth.

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I have the H1FDR Flu

Yet, they demand I come in and work.

I’m feeling fucking fantastic! {/sacrasm}

I guess if FDR has a flu epidemic, we can actually give our Emergency Procedure for Flu Outbreak: Loss of Vital Employee Pool plan a go.

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WOLVERINES!!!

If the Russians ever wanted to invade the US, now would be the best time. Patrick Swayze succumbed to his cancer and died yesterday. R.I.P. Wolverines.

I hate linking Raw Story articles, but this is interesting. Bush’s new book basically divulges that he thought the McCain/Palin ticket was doomed. “Not remotely prepared,” would be the LEAST of her faults, IMHO.

We raid Somalia and kill a Islamic militant, the insurgents vow revenge. You’d think we’d understand this better.

The whole Kanye/Taylor Swift thing? Kanye tried to apologize afterwards on the Leno show. He seems sincere so let me say this – maybe Kanye should stop drinking heavily before award shows. Maybe Kanye should learn to be professional before attending award shows. Those things would probably help him prevent himself from being a jackass.

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